Family Constellations

Couples

We first learn about relationships through our experience with our parents, this first relationship has a big impact on how we are in relationship. Unconsciously we seek in a partner what was unresolved in our childhood. 

A couple goes through many stages and phases and the transitions from one stage/phase to the other can often be the most difficult to manage. Also when we are seeking in our partner what we did not get in our childhood from our parents it can make for a difficult time in our relationship​.

Love between partners requires the renunciation of our first and most intimate love, our love as a child for our parents.

Only when a boy's attachment either loving or resentful -to his mother is resolved can he give himself fully to his partner and enter manhood. A girl's attachment to her father must also be resolved before she can give herself to her partner and be a woman.

Successful togetherness demands the sacrifice and transformation of our earliest child bond to our parents the boy to his mother and the girl to her father.

Extract from the book
Love's hidden Symmetry, what makes love work in relationships.
By: Bert Hellinger, Gunthard Weber & Hunter Beaumont

How can a constellation help your children

Children are happy when their parents' love for them is also the parents' love for each other in the children. Children feel happiest/safe when they experience their parents as a couple, and in that situation, they find comfort and order.

​With so many children experiencing their parents separate and the sometimes difficult situation as couples navigate

• the break up,
• the emotions
• the hurt
• the rebuilding
• the new partners of their parents
• maybe new children from the new relationship

​Children can sometimes find it difficult to find their place in all of this. 

​If one parents speak negatively about the other parent children can often build an unconscious loyalty to that parent who is being excluded or spoken about negatively. As they grow into adults can unconsciously repeat patterns of the excluded parent as a way of connecting with them. 

This exclusion of a parent creates a conflict within the child as they exist because of both parents and when they are having to reject one parent they are rejecting part of themselves. 

​If you have children under the age of 18 years you can do a constellation on their behalf and look at any patterns in your family that may be affecting your child. 

​If your child is over 18 years they are an adult and it is more effective for them to do their own constellation.

Orders of love

In loving relationships, there is an order of priority. First there is the love of a couple. That is the basis for a family, it refers to the first wife/husband and the first couple/ system. They come together and the result of their love is their children. The children are the fruits of the parents love, so they come second in priority.

The couple relationship has priority over parenthood. A man draws strength for fatherhood from his love for his partner. When he loves his children, he is also loving his partner in his children. A woman draws the strength for motherhood from the partner at her side. This works well if she loves her children by loving her partner in the children.

​Children are happy when their parents' love for them is also the parents' love for each other in the children. Children feel happiest/safe when they experience their parents as a couple, and in that situation, they find comfort and order.

​The love between a couple is not the only source of strength for being a parent: there is also the strength that comes from the parents' families of origin. Poor relationships often stem from poor connections with one or both parents or unfinished business with previous partners. Once this is cleared in a constellation you may be free to make new choices.

Same sex couples

In same sex couples, there is an order of priority. First there is the love of a couple. That is the basis for a family, it refers to the first partner/partner and the first couple/ system. They come together  to share life, experiences, love. This relationship may or may not result in children, If it does not result in a child often the couple create a life where they share an experience, hobby, sport, job, pet  etc that becomes like their child, something they share, enjoy and grow together. 

If the relationship does result in a children, the child becomes the fruits of the parents love, so they come second in priority.  For same sex couples to result in a child there is the often a need for a third (person/parent donor, surrogate) This third person needs to be acknowledged in some way to honour their place in the creation of the child. There are different ways to do this and each case can often be different, yet if this third person is not acknowledged much like a child from a Heterosexual couple the child can later be unconsciously draw to repeat patterns  or feel the exclusion of the missing person. 

Blended families

In blended family there is a lot to do with order of who came first. When 2nd or 3rd partners do not recognise, or honour previous partners and their place as coming before them it can cause tension in relationships. The same goes for children from previous relationships.

​As a rule, a new partner must not become involved with things that concern the children of her partner's prior relationships. They have to communicate to them through the parent or communicate that their own partner are the right ones for them and that they are only the new partner. Then the children feel safe.