If you are going through a difficult time with your partner, it may seem like the love that brought you together has disappeared.
This happens even in the most committed relationships, and it usually means your relationship is facing some sort of challenge.
How you respond to these challenges will depend to a large extent on how skilled you are at negotiating differences. This is something that many of us never learned to do when we were growing up.
If you grew in a family where gender lines were clearly demarcated, for example, then your parents simply did what was expected of them, or they got divorced. There was very little room to negotiate.
Learning to resolve differences and negotiate them in a way that helps a relationship to flourish are skills that can be acquired and practised in counselling.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Love is always there, but perhaps it has gotten lost in the day-to-day stresses and strains of modern life. Or perhaps it is time to move on.
Regardless of whether you decide to leave a relationship or stay, the skills you learn with a relationship counsellor will be with you for life.
Counselling can also help by providing a safe space to air sensitive issues in a way that could lead to resolution either individually or as a couple.
This is important because even if you decide to go your separate ways, the more amicable the parting, the less emotional baggage you are going to carry with you into the next relationship.
A relationship counsellor will also help you define the problem and see more clearly why the relationship isn’t working. This can help you avoid the same problem in the future.
The issue might be an inability to communicate or articulate deep feelings or unmet needs. If this is the case counselling can help you and your partner develop the skills you both need to move forward with greater understanding and awareness.
Learning to Trust
The most important issue to begin with is finding a counsellor that you can both feel comfortable talking to.
Trust is important because if you or your partner can’t be open and honest in a counselling session, the process won’t get you anywhere. However if you allow yourself to take the risk to say how you really feel, even if it is uncomfortable, important issues may come to the surface that can be worked through.
This can take time so don’t try to hurry the process.
Taking Sides
If one of you feels that the counsellor is taking sides this can be something to explore. An experienced relationship counsellor will help you get in touch with your beliefs and feelings around this judgement. This discussion might throw some light on feelings or expectations that may not have been previously acknowledged.
Suffice to say that if you are the one suggesting counselling to your partner, it may be wise to let them make the decision about who to see. This way they are more likely to commit to the process.
Counselling can help couples become closer because the process involves becoming more aware of the way you communicate as a couple, as well as the strategies they use when they run into problems.
It is important to remember that when things go wrong in a relationship, it is never about who is right or wrong, it is about exploring whether the relationship is making you both happy and if not, why not.
If something is not working in the relationship, it is usually because there is a lack of understanding, respect or awareness about what is going on.
Talking about Sex
Sexual issues can make or break a relationship so this aspect of your relationship is worth exploring in counselling. Just learning to talk openly and honestly about sex can be deeply healing and bring you closer to your partner.
Relationship counsellors are skilled at talking about sexual issues so they can help you explore this aspect of your relationship in a non-judgemental and supportive way.
Don’t worry if you feel initially uncomfortable about this. Many people have grown up in families where sex wasn’t talked about so they may find it difficult to broach this sensitive subject with their partner or anyone else.
Issues that may have been embarrassing when you were younger can be discussed in a healthy and mature way in the presence of a supportive and sensitive person. Just talking about something that has been festering away can be deeply healing, and again, even if you both agree the relationship has ended, the skills learned in counselling can be drawn on to help your future relationships flourish.
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