Getting Back on Track With Relationship Counselling

The union of two individuals in a relationship has the potential to be a truly unique, powerful and life changing experience – but as anyone will tell you, it ain't always easy! Time has a habit of eroding once close bonds, especially in our increasingly fast paced world where there is constant time pressure on our work, family and personal lives. People are also unique in every sense of the word, with their own needs, desires and aspirations which are dynamic and are very likely to change over time. Put two people into the mix and you have what can best be described as a high wire juggling act!  A lack of communication is often at the heart of conflicts that arise in relationships, and is where the involvement of an unbiased professional can help people get through this difficult time. ntpages spoke to relationship counsellor and sex therapist Matty Silver, for an insight into her world.

Tell us a bit about yourself?

"I am originally from Amsterdam and have worked in a range of professional fields, which have provided me with the ability to communicate and build rapport with individuals from various cultures. I have acquired a depth of life experience which complements my counselling skills. I have also been a Lifeline telephone counsellor for the past eight years and a telephone counsellor for Impotence Australia."

What qualities make for an effective counsellor?

"A good counsellor is a good listener, is non judgemental and genuine, has empathy and can assist clients in making positive changes in their life and relationships."

What are the most common issues couples have today?

"Communication problems are the main issue couples have, followed by household and parenting responsibilities. Research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling in their relationship are in big trouble."

How can relationship counselling ultimately help a couple?

"Counselling can help couples to improve their relationship and respond to their problems and difficulties.  A counsellor can also help couples restore intimacy in their relationship, offer a new perspective, give advice and teach strategies on how to achieve better goals."   

What is outside the scope of a counsellor's role?

"Expectations are often unrealistic. A counsellor's role is not to make judgements on who is right or wrong. We also tell clients what to do in terms of their relationship, and are not there to persuade people to stay together or to separate."

In your experience what is the secret to a successful long term relationship?

"I have identified some characteristics couples must have for a successful relationship. They should have a strong friendship, have the ability to make each other laugh, are able to openly express their feelings and emotions through good communication and have sexual intimacy."

What would a typical session with a relationship counsellor involve?

"Appointments are typically one hour long, the first consultation is often more thorough as it focuses on gaining a detailed understanding of the couples need."

Are there a typical number of sessions a couple would undergo?

"This depends very much on the issue the couple has come to see me for. Sometimes only one or two sessions are needed. Other couples might come back once a fortnight or month for support until they are back on track."

You also conduct telephone based counselling – what is the attraction of this?

"People find talking over the phone a safer, supportive and more confidential environment – so are more likely to feel free to talk about potentially embarrassing sexual issues. Talking over the phone from home is also more relaxing, especially as this will typically occur after office hours. It is also more cost effective and allows me to counsel people across the country."

What approach do you use in your counselling?

"I use a person centred, solution focused approach which is caring and sensitive to a clients individual needs, combined with evidence based strategies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is aimed at helping you understand, manage and change your thoughts and actions."

What are some common obstacles to a fulfilling sex life?

"Anything from mismatched sex drives, lack of sexual enjoyment to lack of intimacy in a relationship."

In terms of sexual health, what do women typically have issues with?

"Lack of desire for sex, unable to experience orgasm, painful intercourse and the menopause are just some of the concerns I deal with."

How about your male clients?

"There are a range of issues males have with regard to their sexual health, with erectile dysfunction, impotence, premature or delayed ejaculation, performance anxiety and sexual problems after illness."

Do you think that our view of sex and intimacy is changing?

"I wished it was but there is still no proper sex education at our schools and most information young people get these days are from the internet and magazines with articles that only talk about how to have "better and hotter sex."

Are males now more open to talk about these aspects of their lives?

"In my experience I find that men have great difficulties talking about their relationship problems, especial sexual issues. Women often talk to family members or friends but men don't talk to their mates about intimate issues."

You also have a special interest in sexuality later in life?

"Yes, there is no reason why older people should not be able to have an active and satisfying sex life, despite the fact that our physical body slows down. People are also living longer, making it likelier that they will be single again and will have to begin dating again. I can help them to have realistic expectations of these relationships."

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